Patience is a virtue when you're near me...

Hullo, long-lost friends! So it appears I'm quite ridiculously overdue to present to you the very embarrassing results of my Song Challenge Number One in glorious videochron-technicolour. I present to you my humblest apologies, but offer no excuse save for the fact that I have only been home (where the guitar lives, you see) for the sum total of about eight hours since March 30. But I hereby swear to present something, however horrible, to you in the next day or so.

I've been slightly lax in recent weeks, but I have been busy in other musical areas, with a bunch of gigs and world-domination-planning with my band 20th Century Graduates. We're playing at Jive this Saturday night to support Lyla's single launch. We're one trombone down, but it's still going to be pretty fierce. Behold the deets!

Anyway, please excuse this stop-gap post. 'Til we meet again - me, struggling through the meagrest of chord progressions, and you, on the other side of the camera attempting to stifle your guffaws. It'll be grand - see you tomorrow!

Song Challenge 1: Redux

The road to Rock and Roll is paved with the corpses of would-be musicians who took on too much too soon, who gave up cursing the guitar with fingers bloody and sore, having tried to play Hendrix before they could manage Three Blind Mice. In respect to the dear departed I've made an executive decision - as of today I'm changing my first Song Challenge. I'll now be playing 'She's Losing It' (also by Belle and Sebastian) on April first, in glorious technicolour on the world wide instawebs.

Some of you may feel the need to point out that I'm wussing out of my very first song challenge only two weeks in, and to you I say:

LOOK - A KITTEN PLAYING A GUITAR!!!


Now the nay-sayers are distracted I can talk to the realists for a second - those understanding individuals who support and appreciate the need for the choice of an achievable goal in the interest of continued motivation and, well, stick-to-it-iveness. I'm still practicing the elements of the former tune, but a simple thing done well is much more desirable long-term than something more complex done with ham-fisted ineptitude.

Since apologies are out of the way I now introduce to you my new Song Challenge. Bring it on!



Today's result: Kate: 0 - Guitar:1

Strumming Rancid and rancid strumming

My latest post has turned into a mammoth digital tome on the music that inspires me, and while that chestnut is roasting away I thought I'd post a proper progress report for my faithful fans (hi mum!) to keep you up to date on my epic war against the guitar.

Since I laid down my first song challenge I've been bashing away at a small but vital group of chords with a view to quality, not quantity - learning a few chords but doing them well. I've got G, C, D, A, Am, E, and Em all happening with a reasonable degree of success (but I still hate D - the higher strings cut into my fingers and I can never seem to get them in the right place first time. Any advice on that?). As for barre chords, I am still struggling away with B minor, which I can only seem to get to ring nicely about 50 per cent of the time. F, on the other hand, seems to sit quite well, though I still can't keep the shape very well when moving up and down the frets. I think the E shape barre chords sit better under the finger than A shape for me - and A minor shape is a pain in the arse, which is why B minor is causing me so much grief (for the non-guitarists out there this is a pretty decent explanation of how barre chords work, I think).

Anywho, now I can make some pretty reasonable chords, I thought it was time to delve into the mysterious world of strumming (ooooooh!). I googled some simple patterns and found I took to them fairly easily, rhythm-wise. I started applying this one to the chords I already knew:


"Well, that was a piece of piss!", thought I, and went back to google to find something a bit more complex. Ask, and the great instarwebs shall provide! I found this pattern:


More complicated, but still not rhythmically difficult. After thrashing these out on a G chord, I tried changing chords. FAIL. The patterns might be pretty simple, but the big challenge is making the chord changes fit while keeping the strumming rhythmic. This put a big, fat spotlight on the fact that my transitions between chords are, shall we say, uncoordinated.

Thoroughly jack of beating my head against the wall for one evening, I sat down for a bit of medicinal music therapy in the form of aural scourers Rancid. They (along with seminal East Bay ska-punks Operation Ivy) are one of the formative bands of my still-clung-to youth - I have all of their albums up to '...And Out Come The Wolves' on vinyl (yes, yes, I'm old) and as I was listening to 'Olympia, WA' and waxing nostalgic about my short-lived attempts to play a ludicrously low-slung bass with the sole objective of playing 'Time Bomb' by Screeching Weasel with my brother's never-to-happen teenage punk band I thought 'What the hell!" and googled the tabs. Turns out I know all the chords (who would have thought punk rock would be simplistic? *gasp*) and proceeded to spend the rest of the evening strumming away with awful pauses while I reconfigured my fingers into new and painful shapes, all the time with a huge grin on my face.

Today's result: Kate: 0 - Guitar: 1

Though the guitar won today's battle, I'm realising that loving the music you're playing is a huge incentive to keep at it in the hopes of taking that bastard down and ruling the world with rock!! I end today with a genteel and intimate live performance by Tim, Lars and the boys. OI!

I listen to bands that don't even exist yet

It's been a long while since I tried vainly to impress my American high school sweetheart by pretending to recognise the obscure band logos tattooed all over his punk-rock frame. These days I try to be a little more honest about my complete ignorance of the rising tide of obnublious underground artists who (to my knowledge) may or may not exist outside a cramped bedsit in Greenway, New Jersey.

But for all the hipsters dying for a piece of the cooler-than-thou action there is now Too Obscure, a t-shirt company producing fashionable items for imaginary bands.

Every shirt design has its own bio, so you can regale your friends with the origins and influences of your favourite new (fictional) band. For example, check out:

Hospital Relocation Memory
Hail from: Dingley, Melbourne, Australia
Formed: 2001
Type: Seven TAFE music graduates make up this odd ensemble whose lead vocalist whispers lyrics
Main influences: The Residents

Wish they had an EP.

Joking aside, there is a plus to the wearing of obscure shirts. I've discovered some of my favourite bands by spying their names emblazoned across a nameless hipster's chest at a show, or checking out the range of sweet tees that parade through my band's jam sessions - thanks to the awesome stylings of Al, Jeremy and Jon I discovered Broken Social Scene, Belle and Sebastian and Brand New, to name but a few. As far as I see it, it's not elitist if you're sharing the love. Viva obscura!

Sore Fingers and the Art of Manning Up

Okay, I'm going to let you in on an earth-shattering secret, something no new guitarist has ever revealed before. Prepare yourself...

My fingers hurt! *Ba-ba-baaaaaaaaaa!*

Now you've recovered from this startling revelation... I've been practicing about 45 minutes a day and have just starting to work up some sweet calluses, but my poor fingertips are still feeling the beginner pinch.

It seems every new guitarist is slightly shocked that, at the beginning anyway, playing guitar hurts. The strings cut into your tender fingertips, your wrist and fingers ache from hours of contortion into unnatural shapes. And for every baby guitarist wailing over their stinging digits there are five seasoned old-schoolers doling out advice on how to combat the pain.

So I went to the source of all dubious knowledge - the glorious internets - to seek some sage counsel on dealing with the growing pains of rock god-dom. Though there are a number of bonafide products to aid in the growth of calluses, the plethora of interesting, unconventional, slightly dangerous and downright insane techniques for toughening up your fingers floating around online boggle the mind. I've put together a list of the good, the bad and the ugly pieces of advice found on the web (if you're going to try any of these please do so at your own risk!).

The wise denizens of the internet suggest:

- soaking your fingers in a variety of stuff, from the more natural - vinegar, alum (can be used to make clothing flame retardant) and salt water - to the chemical - rubbing alcohol (apparently Eric Clapton does this - take that how you will), methylated spirits and turpentine (!),

-painting your fingertips with a range of substances, including super glue (one chap mentioned flamenco guitarists repairing nails with toilet paper and Tarzan's Grip), rock climbing chalk, Liquid Skin and enamel paint,

- various repetitive actions such as squeezing the edges of a credit card, rubbing the tines of a comb, pushing your fingers into the lip of a desk drawer and tapping your fingertips on a table top until they go numb, and

- doing horrible, damaging things to your hands, like burning your fingertips with cigarette lighters (!) or hot frying pans, rubbing with sandpaper, cutting and scarring. Crazy.

After reading these nuggets of advice, from the bizarre to the downright dangerous, one of the best lists I've found online is disarmingly sensible. Practice and perseverance? Who would have thought of that?

As a french player you constantly have to battle split lips, cramped fingers and thumb calluses caused by hours in the practice room. After dealing with a mouthpiece full of blood from a cut lip during a Mahler symphony I'm pretty much prepared for anything. You can spend years hurting yourself for the sake of art before it becomes clear that a combination of persistence and sensible moderation is the only way to transform yourself from a fumbling beginner to a seasoned instrumentalist.

Does anyone out there have a tragic tale of pain and injury in their quest for musical greatness? And no, falling down during a post-gig drinking binge doesn't count (wish it did - I could fill another blog with those tales of ill repute!).

Right, time to take my own advice and head back to the practice room to continue my war against barre chords (curse you, B minor!). Think I'll leave the turpentine and hot frying pans to the future recipients of the Darwin Awards.

Today's result: Kate: 1 - Guitar: 0

Belle and Sebastian and Barre Chords - Song Challenge Number One!

I'm a relatively new convert to the world of indie pop, and I've recently become completely hooked on the cuteness and/or catchiness of bands like Belle and Sebastian, The Shins, The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, Architecture in Helsinki and awesome Adelaide band The Keepsakes. Seeing as my musical tastes used to lie almost exclusively in the punk, ska and hardcore camp (aside from the requisite classical - it was my job, after all) this is a pretty big genre expansion, but then again, I was into Dinosaur Jr., Pavement and The Lemonheads, etc. back in the day, too. It was a seminal moment in my formative musical years witnessing live Evan Dando's vague but masterful indie stylings and realising the artistic validity of rock musicians. I don't think I'd properly understood that before - classical music snobbery at its finest, I suppose. I have an excuse, though - it was the '90s. Yes, I am old.

Anyhoo, I completely adore Belle and Sebastian's Storytelling (it makes me feel like I'm in a Wes Anderson movie!) so I looked up the chord chart - to my happiness I discovered I know almost all of the chords (G, C, D, Am). So I'm just missing D# (am I just a brass player or does E flat make so much more sense than D#? I guess it's because the tonic is a sharp key, or maybe it's a guitar thing. Any ideas?) and Bm.

B minor. You bastard.

As far as I can see, there's only one way I'm going to be able to manage this sucker to my satisfaction - I am officially going to have to start learning damn barre chords. I have it on good authority this is the time many people give up on guitar, that the mightiest of men crack when faced with contorting their fingers into uncomfortable shapes, THEN being expected to slide them up and down the frets with perfect form and tuning. Damn it!! I knew this day would come, guitar. But I'm ready.

B minor, you're going down.

So that's it - my first challenge is decided. To play Storytelling by Belle and Sebastian on video for your viewing (dis)pleasure in one month. *gulp* Whatever happens, and however awful it may be, I pledge to post that video on April 1st. To the practice room!

Today's result: Kate: 1 - Guitar: 0

Broken Strings, or How Not to Behave at the Music Store

I'd only learned three chords (woo! I can join Rancid now!) when I experienced my first small snag in my plans for global rock domination (heh) - a broken string. It went off with a big twang in the middle of a sweet G chord and scared the beejebus out of me. After cursing the cruel fates and drying my eyes I trundled off happily to the local music store, where the conversation went something like this:

Nice English Chap: Hello, miss. How can I help you?
Me: Er... I'd like some... guitar strings.
NEC: What sort would you like?
Me: Um... acoustic? (This is more of a question than a statement.)
NEC: Would you like nylon or steel?
Me: Ah, I didn't realise there was more than one kind...
NEC: [assumes overly-patient face of one dealing with a slight imbecile] Well, what kind does your guitar have?
Me: I'm... not sure... (That's right, I spent two days playing a guitar without ever noticing what kind of strings it had. I am a musical genius.) I think, maybe nylon?
NEC: Guitars take one or the other, maybe you should...
Me: [completely embarrassed at my return to musical noobitude] I'll just take the nylon! Thank you!
NEC: [he smiles wanly and takes my money] Thank you. Come again.

So I get home and - you guessed it - the guitar takes steel strings. But it doesn't end there! At this point I am still under the impression I can string the damn thing with the nylon strings I bought at the shop. I unstring the guitar. I look at the ends of the old steel strings. They have little round doo-dads on them. How cute! I pull them out. I get out the nylon strings. No doo-dads... The penny drops. I choke down my pride for a second trip to the music store. Huzzah!

I'll spare you the embarrassment of the ensuing exchange, but I'll say this at least: sometimes it's good to feel like a beginner again. It can make you feel like a complete dunderhead, but it also reminds you not to be an arse every time you feel tempted to click your tongue and roll your eyes at someone who doesn't know how to recognise a 1960 Porsche Spyder, hasn't heard of your favourite obscure indie band from Nanavut, or couldn't tell you what year Wim Wenders directed Faraway, So Close! (or whatever your particular area of expert-nerdery). Embrace your ineptitude! It'll make you a kinder, more tolerant person - if you don't kill someone first!

Anyway, I finally got home and proceeded to string up that bad boy beautifully with help from this very clear and handy online tutorial. I ended up buying D'Addario EJ16 Phosphor Bronze strings (with their handy dandy colour-coded doo-dads! Yes, doo-dads will be the official terminology until otherwise noted). The sound is SO much nicer than the old steel strings - definitely worth spending a little extra money on them.

So I'm all strung-up, suitably humbled and ready to keep working on those calluses! Do you have any stories about your first try at stringing a guitar?

Today's result: Kate: 0 - Guitar: 1

Welcome to Kate vs. the Guitar!

After 12 years as a professional orchestral musician - a french horn player, no less - I had finally retired from the music world and started along a new career path. But music has a way of sneaking up, smacking you over the head with a bassoon, dragging you unconscious to a seedy bar and bringing you 'round with a pint of beer and three chords in the face. So to speak. Much to my surprise I ended up (through the recommendation of some friends) playing trumpet in an indie band. I've played in stadiums and concert halls all over the world, but I've never played as a core member of a rock band. It's a completely different world for me, and a surprisingly scary step to take - I was more nervous playing my first gig at the local live venue Jade Monkey than I ever was playing at the Sydney Opera House!

I've come across so many amazing musicians since joining the non-classical music world, most of whom play multiple instruments (just about everyone in my band plays at least three! Damn talented whippersnappers!). I've been looking for a new musical challenge for a while (as well as a vaguely unique blog topic to practice my writing), and my friend Haydon had a spare acoustic guitar lying around, so I thought I'd give it a shot!

Since deciding to do this I've had a huge response from friends and family - it seems everyone and their dog knows (or maybe think they know! ;)) something about guitar, from their favourite chord to the first song they played in their school rock band. I'd LOVE everyone's comments, advice, links, encouragement and recommendations - please don't hesitate to throw anything my way!

I'm hoping this blog will keep me practicing and pushing through the frustrations and want-to-throw-it-on-the-fire moments that will inevitably arise as I strum, pick and swear my way through learning the guitar. ROCK!!